Goodies from the Substratum

*Note: This is Joseph again.


Goodies from the substratum.

I am a biologist. There are very few things that gross me out. I am often fascinated by things that send normal people running for a garbage can to throw up in. As evidence, consider that for most of Audrey's and my marriage I have appropriated an entire drawer of our bedroom dresser as a home for a collection of fungal isolates in pure culture (yes, I know - poor Audrey. My take on it is - hey, at least they're in sealed petri dishes). Notwithstanding this, my children will occasionally succeed in coming up with something that grosses even me out.

This past summer I made a trip to the high school that I used to teach at in order to gather up some teaching supplies that I had left behind in my move to my current teaching position. As I often do, I took my boys with me. After loading up the van with teaching supplies and then two boys, I climbed in and began to drive away. A minute later, a glance in the rearview mirror revealed that Austin was chewing on something. Mildly curious, I asked what he was chewing on. He replied matter-of-factly "gum."

I then had one of those flashes of insight in which I knew exactly where this conversation was going to end up, yet I didn't want to believe what I knew I was about to hear, because the truth was going to be too disgusting to contemplate. It went as follows:

J - (trying to remain calm) "Oh, where did you get the gum?"

A - (once again in an entirely matter-of-fact tone and still chewing with immense satisfaction) "off the ground," (and by "off the ground," he didn't mean from a nice clean package - we're talking second-hand gum here)

J - (suppressing my gag reflex and pushing my open hand behind me, in front of Austin's face) "Give it to me right now!"

A - (unperturbed and not relinquishing his well-masticated prize) "But Daddy, it so fresh. It so sweet!"

Disgusting.