You Are Not Alone

Travelin’Oma, Week 10, Day 5 – I can’t believe I’ve made it this far!

You are not alone.

When I first found out that what I had been struggling with for several years was depression and anxiety, I felt very alone. I felt kind of like a hypocrite walking around and acting like everything was just fine when inside I felt such complete darkness. I was overwhelmed, yet relieved to know that now that my illness had a name, I could start on the road to recovery. I got a prescription for antidepressant medication, but a doctor who was not very sensitive gave me a medication that was not a very appropriate fit for my symptoms and required that I stop nursing my 9-month old baby. “Go home, feed him for the last time, and then start taking this medication,” he told me. It was awful. I rocked Austin while I fed him and sobbed and sobbed, feeling even more like an inadequate mother than I already felt now that I was unable to provide for his most basic needs. (As a side note, it actually turned out to be a big blessing that I had to stop nursing him, but that’s a story for another day.)

As I looked at the women around me, they looked like they had it all together, and I had a throbbing ache in my chest that took a long time, and medication, to go away. I am immensely blessed to have an incredible and understanding husband who has been right by my side holding my hand and stroking my hair when I need him to. However, I still felt very alone.

Then two major blessings came my way that helped me to know how much God loved me by letting me know that I was not alone – there were others around me to help and He was always there for me, night and day. These blessings also changed how I have approached my depression ever since. Incidentally, they both came through the Visiting Teaching program of my church, a program that allows us women to support and uplift one another through assignments where we are asked to visit and teach women around us.

The first one occurred when I was visiting with two other women down the street from me and we were chatting away about life and school, etc. One of them mentioned something about having forgotten to take one of her medications the previous day and she off-handedly named the medicine as she was telling us this story. I recognized the medication as one of the ones the doctor had indicated as a possibility for me to take for my depression. As I was in the throes of determining which prescription was most helpful for me, I was very interested in how it had worked for her. I cautiously asked her about the medicine and in so doing, found out that the other woman there also had depression and anxiety, just like me. These women seemed so well put together that I couldn’t believe that they were in a similar situation. I started to cry as I felt a small part of my burden lifted to know that there were others – even both of these women in front of me – out there who knew what the darkness and worry felt like that had been gnawing away inside of me for so long. To find that they were able to function so well and seem so “normal” was just what I needed at that time.

The second experience happened a few weeks later when two women who were good friends were at my apartment visiting me. They caught me on a particularly difficult day and when they asked how I was doing, I burst into tears. I had been trying to keep from weighing others down with my trial, but I felt safe with them and it all came pouring out. I found out that one of the women was a yoga instructor and, knowing that we were also tight on money (another large stress in my life at the time), she offered to let me attend her classes for free to try to help with the depression. This was just what I needed. It allowed me to have an emotional release as well as exercise. They even offered to arrange babysitting for me if Joseph wasn’t available at the times the classes were held. Had I not shared with them, they would not have been able to help me in a way so specific to my needs.

It has been several more years since I started getting this under control and I have good times and not-so-good times, but I have remained fairly open since then with others about my depression and anxiety. I don’t like to make others uncomfortable or burden them with the struggles of my life – I try to be pretty matter-of-fact about it – but I hope that it allows others to not feel alone. If anyone is under the seriously misguided illusion that I have it all together in my life, they can know that I don’t, and I hope that it gives them strength to not hold themselves to an unreasonable standard. I also pray that it helps those who may be struggling with depression themselves and don’t want to admit that this could really be the problem to know that it is okay – not fun, but okay – to face this and figuring out what the problem is can be the first step to stopping the feeling that you are drowning. I hope my experiences also give understanding to those around me who have loved ones that struggle with depression and/or anxiety. I have been blessed with loved ones all around me who are supportive, even if they don’t really understand how real and deep the pain can be that comes with depression. I am grateful for them and grateful for the times that they have told me that I’m not really doing as well as I thought I was so that I could start to get help again. It is sometimes difficult to monitor that yourself when you are struggling.

I’m not necessarily where I want to be yet. I don’t laugh very often, I have to remind myself to smile, and I want to feel less heaviness inside me. However, I am fighting it each day and getting closer to my goals. I hope that those around me who love me will continue to be patient with me as they help to lift my burdens every day while I struggle. For them: know that I love you and am aware of how much you do to compensate for my inadequacies. Thank you.

For anyone else who is struggling out there, and some of you have far, far greater burdens to carry than I, know that you are not alone.