Choosing

Travelin’Oma, Week 6, Day 4.

Choosing.

Note: This is not intended to be preachy in any way. I consider my graduate degree and all that it entailed to be an essential part of my experience in this life, and additionally, I absolutely loved it. It was the right thing for me to do at the time. But now it is right for me to be a mother and I am so grateful for this privelege. This is about my journey. I hope that it gives strength to women to embrace motherhood.

After we had been married a little over a year, I gave birth to our first baby. I taught school all year while I was pregnant and then had Austin the last day of school. When he was about a month old, we went on a road trip to Bozeman, Montana – the three of us. On that trip we decided to look into me pursuing graduate school in the fall. The process of deciding if it was a good idea for me to get a master’s degree at that time of our lives was a difficult one and very spiritual for us, and is a story I won’t share at this time. Miracles occurred as everything fell into place and I was able to begin classes in the fall, when Austin was about 3 months old.

While in graduate school, we had our second child just 18 ½ months after our first was born. Matthew was born December 20, just days after my last final for the semester, and I began taking classes again about 2 weeks later in addition to teaching Calculus at BYU five days a week, all with a commute each day from Sandy to Provo (about 45 minutes) with a newborn in tow. Choosing to have Matthew when we did was another very difficult and spiritually guided decision, and not at all possible without the help of many loved ones who picked up the significant slack our choice created.

I finally finished my thesis and then graduated when Matthew was about 18 months old. While in school, I had loved my interaction with my professors and peers. I had loved researching, reading, analyzing, discussing, and learning. Part of my experience included teaching math classes for undergraduates. I really loved that. We very seriously considered moving and having me pursue my PhD in a prestigious mathematics education program. At the very least we planned to have me continue teaching as an adjunct faculty member at a University in semesters that they needed me.

Upon careful consideration, we decided that for now I would not work toward a PhD. However, after graduating in April 2008, I was slated to teach a class at BYU starting in September. I was so excited. Then a series of miscommunications occurred and we had to make a decision: was teaching really what I should do at this point in life? This was a particularly hard choice because by giving up this teaching position, I would likely give up all future opportunities to teach at BYU as well. After much prayer and thought, we chose not to have me teach. But I didn’t make the most important choice involved until about a month later.

Although I had always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, I had really liked being taken seriously by very intelligent people who were leaders in my field of research. I also relished having an identity separate from my little ones whining and pulling on my sleeves or handing boogers to me. Another aspect of University life that I knew I would miss was trying to give access to mathematics to students who struggled so mightily to succeed in this arena. Thus, giving up this part of my life was worrisome to me, but I felt complete peace in my decision to do so.

Being at home all the time and not creating lesson plans and grading papers when I was at home was a tough adjustment to make. My boys were going through a very trying phase and I was once again pregnant – with Elizabeth. My pregnancies are very difficult and this just added to the chaos of our lives. I was sustained by the peace that I felt from knowing that our decision was the right one, but I was still feeling adrift without direction for figuring out who I was and what I wanted to be.

Once a month had passed, and I had daily reflected on my situation, I finally came to a conclusion that has had a great impact on my life. I decided that I could be “just” a stay-at-home mom and still be me. I didn’t lose my identity by making this choice, I found my identity. I am so much happier now than I ever was while I was in graduate school and trying to live two lives. I have one life now, and it is so rewarding. It is also sometimes frustrating, exhausting, tedious, mundane, and thankless. But it is what I want to do and who I want to be.

I still participate in book clubs, quilting, and other creative activities that don’t necessarily involve my children. This is very important to me. But I have found new joy in cleaning my house, planning meals for my family, and doing laundry. And the greatest joy comes in teaching my children, playing with them at the playground, and snuggling with them on the couch.

For me, being a mother is not a consolation prize to having a meaningful career, it is a gift and a blessing and a conscious decision I have made. Many women choose to have children, but I think more of them would be happier if they also chose to be mothers.