Why I have a blog...

I am taking a wonderful online class through the TravelinOma blog. Every day we have an assignment and I am going to try to be brave enough to post mine here.

Why I have a blog.

“Let me see how to phrase this…” my graduate advisor started. I was sitting in his office during one of my weekly meetings with him while I was working on my thesis for my Master’s degree. He was hemming and hawing and it was very clear that he was attempting to break some unpleasant news to me. I was so worried. My wild imagination needs only a soft nudge to send it running quickly to the edge of reason and to consider every awful scenario possible. Was he going to tell me that he didn’t want to be my advisor anymore? Was he going to tell me that I wasn’t going to be able to continue the program because I wasn’t competent enough? What thing could be so terrible that he couldn’t find a way to tell me?

“Just tell me,” I encouraged him, even as I braced myself for the blow coming to me.

“Well, the thing is… Okay. I’m just going to tell you.”

“Please do.” I held my breath.

“You have great ideas and you are wonderful critical thinker. The problem is that no one would have any idea at all that that is the case by reading what you write.”

I let out my breath with a huge sigh. “Oh, that! I already know that I am a terrible writer. I am willing to work very hard at it if you will help me, but it will probably be a painful process. Is that all?”

He was visibly relieved at hearing my response and replied, “Yes, that’s all. We are going to have to work very hard at it and it probably will be very painful.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

It was painful. And the results were far from magnificent. I managed to finish my thesis and pass my defense, but my writing abilities were still desperately lacking in almost every way.

I have struggled with writing for as long as I can remember. My earliest recollection of this struggle was when I was assigned to write a fictional story about Native American Indians in fourth grade. I procrastinated and procrastinated and the night before it was due there were many tears shed as well as many exclamations of, “I just can’t do it!” I was making myself sick from the stress. Somehow I eked out a final draft and was so glad that ordeal was over. Unfortunately, this was the same scenario that followed each time I was given a writing assignment from that time until I finished graduate school, with only slightly less drama 17 years later.

The funny thing about it is that I would love to be a great writer. But I’m scared. I know that writing is not my strength and it is so easy to hide behind that self-perception. Writing makes me feel completely vulnerable, especially when I know it is going to take drastic measures, and much practice to turn me into an accomplished writer.

Ironically enough, that is why I started a blog. I supposed that if I had a forum to share my thoughts and other people knew about it, it would be motivation for me to actually work on my writing. Additionally, writing small essays for blog entries was much less intimidating than starting some great work of literature. However, just as I did when I was in fourth grade, I have been procrastinating. For two years, actually. Don’t get me wrong – I have posted to this blog, although not always consistently. I have posted pictures of my children, shared completed projects, documented momentous occasions, but have done very little expressing myself through open honest writing.

So here we go.

Taking this class was just what I needed to encourage me to take the many ideas formed in my head of great things to write about and try to be brave enough to share them with those who love and support me as well as with complete strangers who are trying to be better writers themselves.